


Reality

by miss_aligned



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M, Mass Effect 3, One Shot, Post-Mass Effect 3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-25
Updated: 2016-12-25
Packaged: 2018-09-12 02:07:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9051004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/miss_aligned/pseuds/miss_aligned
Summary: Kaidan relives a dark time in his life, but not all hope is lost.
100% credit to geekie-mari for the idea! Just a few tweaks here and there to fit my style and the holiday!





	

With a satisfied sigh, Kaidan leaned back and set his beer on the table, taking his time appreciating the calm of the Presidium. War had a tendency of making one forget to stop and rest every now and again. He hadn’t realized how much he needed that until now, as he sat comfortably among the citizens of the Citadel, clearing his mind for just a moment of the harsh realities of galactic conflict. He envied them, sometimes, for not fully knowing or caring about what was happening just beyond these walls. Chaos.

Glancing down at his omni-tool, he realized that Shepard hadn’t answered his message, but he knew she’d be along as soon as she was able. With the weight of the their world resting firmly on her shoulders, she had more important things to worry about than a date, after all. He was content to wait as long as he had to. She was worth it. He smiled to himself.

A figure in an Alliance uniform approached his table, but it wasn’t the woman he’d been expecting. Kaidan stood, ready to greet the incoming admiral with due respect. Anderson waved him back into his seat, however, and settled into the chair across from him.

“I wasn’t expecting to see you here, sir,” Kaidan commented, trying to piece together how and why he might have left Earth in the middle of the reaper war.

“Duty calls, son,” Anderson responded, though that didn’t reveal any pertinent information on his status. “I came to talk to you, to be sure that you’re ready for your next assignment. It’s vital.”

“I wasn’t aware that I had a new assignment, sir. For the Normandy?” Kaidan sat forward in his seat, ready to hear what was next and bracing himself for whatever news Anderson might have regarding their homeworld.

The admiral stared at him for a moment, confusion painting his features before his expression abruptly softened. “No, not for the Normandy. Major, are you feeling okay?”

“I’m fine. Why? What’s wrong?” Now it was Kaidan that was perplexed. He wasn’t sure what Anderson was getting at, and additionally, he hadn’t felt this well in a long while. He was back with the Normandy, fighting alongside the woman he loved, and was generally on a winning streak at life. It was shocking, to say the least.

“Maybe… on second thought… maybe I should reserve this for someone else to handle. You could use a little more time to lay low,” Anderson responded. There was a certain look in his eyes that had Kaidan on edge. Was it sadness? Regret? Pity?

“I’m ready, sir. We don’t have time to waste. If you have something that will help our side in the war, then I’ll get it done. You have my word.” As much as it made his chest ache to separate himself from the Normandy and her commander, it appeared to be something that had to be done. Shepard of all people would understand, he supposed. He was following in her footsteps as the second human Spectre, after all, and it was a job that required independence above all else.

The admiral remained unnervingly quiet. He sat back in his chair as though deliberating what he should do. Under his scrutinizing glare, Kaidan couldn’t fathom what made this such a difficult decision. He was a soldier, a human, a Spectre, and a friend, wasn’t he? Who else might Anderson find to handle delicate tasks other than Shepard herself?

“Just let me send word to Shepard and I’m all yours,” Kaidan offered with a friendly chuckle. He turned his attention quickly to his omni-tool to send the message. His brow furrowed noticeably when he couldn’t find the commander’s name or information. It was as though she’d been wiped completely from its history. He scrolled and searched, but to no avail. The contact was gone.

“Major,” Anderson began, his voice heavy with sympathy. “Kaidan. You know as well as I do that Shepard went down with the Normandy over Alchera. I’m not sure why you’re bringing her up now. Her part in this is over.”

The admiral’s words hit him hard, straight in the chest. Some part of him wanted to argue, to say that Anderson had lost his mind, that Shepard was alive and well and fighting hard to give them all a chance to live past this war. Suddenly, however, doubt crept in at the back of his mind. It wriggled its way into his memory and heart, and he realized that he couldn’t quite remember his encounter with Shepard on Horizon. He couldn’t recall their escape from Earth or their argument on Mars. With each passing moment, the once crystal clear events faded into obscurity. He couldn’t remember the sound of her voice or the details of her face, and he was devastated. All he could do was whisper in disbelief. “No.”

Anderson, having apparently made up his mind, rose to stand. He moved around the table and placed a reassuring pat on Kaidan’s shoulder. “Son, this war is doing a number on all of us. But you’ve got to take care of yourself first before you’re going to be able to help anyone else. Do that and let me know when you’re feeling ready. Then we’ll talk.”

Kaidan stared, dumbfounded and horrified, watching the admiral walk away. He propped his elbows on the table and he leaned his head down into his hands, running his fingers through his hair as he tried to wrap his mind around what was happening. He’d been sitting here waiting for Shepard, happy as could be, when suddenly he’d remembered that she’d died. Years ago. It was as though someone had pulled the rug out from under him and he’d been sent tumbling into a cold, brutal reality that he’d never recognized. He felt foolish and confused and… terrified. Was this a side effect of eezo exposure and an L2 implant?

His breathing became shallow and erratic as he felt the all-too-familiar hole in his heart rip open anew in the realization that Shepard wasn’t returning. His amp burned under his skin as a crackle of blue energy swept over his arms and across his body, out of his control. He could hear alarmed whispers of other patrons nearby, but he couldn’t pull it together. He was literally falling apart from the inside out and there was nothing he could do to stop it from happening.

**********

A violent jerk of his body caused him to open his eyes. Still heaving quick breaths, he realized that his skin was clammy and cold. The heartbreak remained, but Kaidan recognized that he was in his bed. There was a small amount of relief in that realization, but panic still weighed heavy in his mind. Rolling over, he reached out to the other side of the bed.

Nothing.

It was cold. The covers were torn away, but that was clearly due to his fit of discomfort, given the way the sheets had twisted their way around his body. Heat pricked at the back of his eyes as he laid back flat, realizing that he’d woken up like this countless times. She wasn’t there. Shepard had died. He’d felt his hope shattered day after day and this was no different. He wondered when it would stop.

He heard a soft swishing noise, but mired in his misery as he was, he paid it little mind. It wasn’t until a small blur launched itself over him and landed partially on his stomach that he bothered to acknowledge what was around him. The impact most certainly caught his attention as he instinctively huffed and sat up.

“Merry Christmas, daddy!” said a little, sweet voice, hidden somewhere in a playful little demon sporting his dark curls and Shepard’s mischievously sparkling eyes… and bright holiday pajamas, too.

There was no stopping the smile that swept across his lips. He had to wrap his head around reality all over again, but this time, it was good. His gaze moved past the excited little girl at his side and to the figure walking through the door. Shepard was moving slowly, carefully watching the coffee on the breakfast tray to be sure that it didn’t spill, no doubt. She didn’t notice the relief that washed over his features at the sight of her.

He suddenly gathered up the boisterous child in his arms, peppering her face with kisses as she giggled and squirmed in his grasp. “Merry Christmas to you, too, Squirt.”

The bed shifted under Shepard’s weight as she sat down and set the tray of food aside. He released his grip on the wild little girl, letting her run off freely to play. Kaidan sat up properly so he could get a good look at her. Commander Shepard. Survivor and savior in the war with the reapers. His wife. Mother of his daughter. She was real. She was here.

She studied him for a moment, her head tilting slightly as she brought a hand up and ran it through his undoubtedly messy hair. It had always been one of the most reassuring motions she, alone, could master, even if she didn’t realize it. “Are you okay?”

Without another word, he pulled her into a fierce hug. There was no small amount of relief when she wrapped her arms around him in answer. He was almost afraid to let go, for fear that she’d disappear the way she had in his nightmare, but his thundering heart was beginning to calm. His panic was subsiding. Shepard seemed to understand well enough, because she didn’t pull away when he practically crushed her into his chest. Instead, she rubbed her hand along his back as though to assure him that everything was going to be fine.

“I am now.”


End file.
